is your mom at the bar?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
