Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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