Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
