I love black thongs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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