Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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