He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
