Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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