I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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