My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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