I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I believe in your delicious
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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