Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize