i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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