I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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