My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
