They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
