Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
