Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
