and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
