It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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