Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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