So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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