I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
