I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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