bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
