Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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