My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How naked do you want me to be?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
