Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
