So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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