I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
