Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
