____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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