Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
