Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
