I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
