My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
