He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You are a genius and a whore.
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