he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
FUCK WHALES
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
