Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
