Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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