I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
