Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
