just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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