Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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