I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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