Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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