Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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