my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
