You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
