i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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