Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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