So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
