i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
