I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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