just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Help. Why am I so naked?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
