Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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