when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
