U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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