You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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