I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
