they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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